Changes

As I lie here in bed, about to fall asleep, my mind begins to race...


How is it a person can feel so ready for a situation in life, and God can so obviously say "its not your time"? After spending hours of time on Facebook this evening, I have come to one conclusion...I so long for that profile picture with the two happy persons...in love. I am talking about the all to familiar couple's photo. It is easy to roll your eyes at the cliche of it all...and believe me I do. But deep down inside, when I am completely honest with myself, that picture and what it represents is what I long for. But alas, I find myself in a broken relationship, with a broken heart, and a longing for that picturesque relationship so beautifully displayed.


I have just experienced on of the happiest times of my life...my best friends wedding! To see the love that she and her newlywed husband share is heart melting. And while I long for what they have, and celebrate this new and exciting time for them...there is a part of me that morns what this means for my friendship. Naturally, as the new best friend (aka husband) moves in...it is time for me to move back and allow him to take his rightful place at her side. And while I understand this is the way it should be, I am sad for the change that this means to my relationship. How much can you expect from someone who has found their new "person"? If my words are not getting through the point at which I am trying to reach, allow me to use a TV reference. On Grey's Anatomy, Meredith and Christina have always been the other's "person" however, in the latest episode, when Christina was morning the loss of her father, the only one she wanted was Owen. He is her person now, its the way it goes, and the way it should be. But to be the one on the outside is sometimes harder to let go.


Please don't misunderstand, I am THRILLED for my friends! And I look forward to deepening my relationship with my bff's husband! Its an exciting time for all involved, but as I said good bye on the wedding day, I cried not only for the distance I knew would be between us when they returned and the time I knew would pass before I would see them again, but for the change in a relationship that had just managed to find its way back to what it should have always been.


The root of all these feelings and emotions, I am fully aware, is the insecurity I feel in life. I am also 100% aware of the fact that no human relationship is going to fill that void. I have spent the last few years running from who I really am. Feeling that if I lived up to my true Christian nature I would be shunned by my family, friends, and new relationships I was forming. How do I find my way back to that solid foundation I had for so many years. I am trying, but it consistently feels like an uphill battle. I feel like I have lost myself, and I am not quite sure how to find her again.


Along with all of this comes a wonderment...would I feel more me in Tennessee? In relation to this question and its answer I can only say this - The time I have felt the most at home in the past three years, was when I was spending the week in Brentwood preparing for my friend's wedding, spending face time with friends I rarely get to see, and most importantly, feeling cared about, loved, and understood for EVERYTHING I am. These people know the mistakes I have made in the past few years, and they still love me. They have put up with me trying to "find myself" only to realize, I had the real me, and was running away from her. They have done nothing but encourage me to find where the Lord is leading me.


On the other hand...leaving MA would mean leaving my family. I would not trade the relationships these past few years have grown with my sisters, my brother, and my parents here in RI for anything. But I am still not sure they have seen the real me. I feel like everyone in this world has ways they want you to be. Is it even possible to be who everyone else wants you to be? No. I really don't think it is. But with everyone constantly telling you who they think you are...how can you find the true you?


I am praying now that the Lord will lead me where he wants me. And that if that location is in TN he will make it obvious. Possibly through a job I just can't turn down, or writing in the skies...whatever it takes. I want to walk HIS path for me...not mine any longer. The trick is...figuring out how.

Goodbye 2009.....2010 I hope besides the new decade - you bring more joy.

Well, its been a while from the last post....quite a few months really.

As I am preparing to head to NYC for the New Year (no...not for NYE, I would have a panic attack in a crowd that big!), I am caught reflecting on the past decade. It has been a big one for me. In the past decade I graduated from college, moved over 1000 miles away from home, made new friends, and fell in love.

I am excited to see what the next decade will bring. If I can wish it will bring happiness for all of my friends and family...a wedding for me...and continued growth in my spirituality, career, and relationships with family and friends.

As a whole the past decade was a good one, but this past year has been extremely rough. Lots of ups and downs. Seemingly more downs than ups if I am completely honest.

In the past, I have always hoped for a romantic and picture perfect NYE. What would that entail? Oh you know, the dressy dresses, classy party, glass of champagne and the most perfect New Years kiss imaginable. I have sense given up on this fairy tale version of New Years Eve. And to be honest, I probably couldn't stay up that late if I wanted to. I know it shows my age (closer to thirty every day) but I am over the party scene....and tend to fall asleep around 9:30-10. Sure I can stay up if I really want to, or need to...but all in all, I become very cranky and tired.

Yesterday I was reflecting on the past years and memories that stood out most. The one I can distinctly remember matching up to the romantic notion I truly had in my mind was my second night at Carson-Newman. I had yet to really met the gang, and was feeling somewhat lonely. I found my way to the bench in front of the music building and took a seat. As I was sitting there a boy found me and made his way to sit and chat....sure this boy ended up being Dan Bellamy...and well, led to no where. But it was that brief movie moment..."if I sit here, maybe I will meet the man of my dreams." I think I have lived my life longing for those "movie moments."

Sure, I will roll my eyes at the cheesiness of them. And all and all I am not sure that I would really enjoy being apart of them. But deep inside there is a part of me that reflects on these moments and wonders how I would feel if my life was a movie. Then I think, THANK YOU GOD that its not. How terrible would it be if life were so scripted. With no originality...no hope of something different.

I am glad that this life hasn't been more like a movie, and I pray that the next decade isn't as well. I look forward to the unscripted life that I will live in the next 10 years. All I can hope is that I will live my life for the Lord...a life that is pleasing to him, and a life that allows me to grow. I look forward to deepening my relationships with the boyfriend and with my family and friends.

In the midst of this scattered blog I do have one major point:
I look forward to seeing where this new year will take me, because as the saying goes..."it can only go up from here."

Three more states off the list!!

OK, so for those of you who don't know. I have a goal to go to all 50 states by the time I am 30. I am now down three more states. CO, WY, and UT!

I will post some pics of this trip...but first, I will give you the overview of the states I have been to, and the states I need. And if you think of anything that I can do in those other states...let me know!

States Brittney has been to:

AL HI MD NM RI

AZ IL MA NY SC

CA IN MS NC TN

CT KS MO ND TX

DE KY NV OH VT

FL LA NH OR VA

GA ME NJ PA WV

States Brittney still needs to travel to:

AK

AR

ID

IA

MI

MN

MT- I want to go horse back riding here.

NE

OK

SD- Must see Mt.Rushmore

WA

WI

OK...now for the pics of my trip to CO/UT/WY!!!!

So CO was first on the list. We arrived on Tuesday via plane, so obviously this sign photo was taken later. Our first stop was "Good Times" a fast food Frozen Custard and Burger joint. It was delicious. And seeing as I rarely get Frozen Custard I decided to treat myself to the Carmel Apple Pie Frozen Custard Shake.

(above) First stop...Breckenridge, CO. This is where we were going to originally stay. But after driving around the town, I was glad we didn't. Although Breck is very nice, and there is lots to do...everything was so much nicer where we did stay. :) This town would be great for all the little shops and main street though. Lots to do and see. And TONS of resorts to choose from.

(Below) The slopes of Breck...well some of them. I couldn't tell you which peak this is. But its a preview of what you would see.

After a brief stop in Breckenridge it was onto Beaver Creek.

Just some of the sites along the way.

This was the entrance to the village, just outside our lodge. We stayed at the Beaver Creek Lodge, and it was AMAZING! Sooo beautiful!

The outside of our hotel. Looking toward the village.

The inside of the Lodge had an art gallery. This was one of the sculptures hanging from the ceiling.

This is one of the Beaver Creek Peaks. Matt skied this one day.

Walking into the village from the Lodge...look at all that fluffy snow. Just looks like pillows.

Another view of the fluffy powder snow, with the creek that ran past the Lodge.

On the way to our hotel, we were driving and all of a sudden on the side of the road I saw a herd of rams. Well, sense that happened way too fast for me to snap a picture of, I settled for this metal ram instead.

While Matt was on the slopes, I spent the days relaxing, being lazy, and walking around town. There was always something interesting to see, and a ton of shops to visit. This was a guy I saw on my first day out. He was standing near the out door ice rink playing away. Not sure what his instrument is called...but it was neat.

This was probably one of my most favorite thing to sit and watch. The fountain. Dancing waters never get old.

While we were in CO we had to check out other resorts too. This is Vail's Lionshead Village. It was absolutely gorgeous as well! This was their outdoor ice rink, with a fire place on the outside edge of the rink (see below). I really loved this village! Not as much as Beaver Creek...but still loved it none-the-less.

And of course, you can't go to a ski resort, and not ride the Gondola. Well, this one may not have been in operation...but I still counted it ;).

Good Bye Colorado....

Next stop...UTAH!

The mountains in the west are just so big, and beautiful. These were as we entered UT for the first time.

This was part of the Snowbird/Alta mountains. Just one of the many beautiful mountains I could look out at while sitting in the outdoor hot tub at the Cliff Lodge Spa in UT.

After my first facial, meeting a friend from Elementary School in Snowbird, UT, and relaxing at the spa...it still never got old to look out at these mountains and enjoy God's greatness.

We stayed at the Hilton in Salt Lake City...this was the view from the room. Just look at those mountains. We stayed right next to the Mormon Temple...but unfortunately, I never really got a great look...or a pic for that matter.

Of course...we had to stop at Park City/Deer Valley/Olympic Park! It was soo neat to see the UT ski resorts, and the Olympic Park. I think UT is definitely our next big ski trip destination.

This was the bob sled track for the Park City games. Now you can take rides on the bob sled with a professional...for only $200!! I think I will stick to watching.

Well, after a couple days in UT, it was back to Denver to head home. On the way, we drove through WY so I could eat some lunch and count another state off my list. This is really the only picture I have of WY because as you can tell...there really isn't much to see. It is mostly desert with some mountains in the back ground...and VERY VERY windy...which is why all of the signs and billboards were so close to the ground. We stopped and had lunch in the 5th most populated city in WY, and it was literally one exit. With a Walmart, Homewood Suites, some gas stations and some fast food restaurants. It was one of those places where it seems everyone knows you're an out of towner...and it thrives on people just passing through. That is actually how most of WY felt come to think of it.

All and all it was a WONDERFUL vacation. Matt got to do some skiing, I got to do some relaxing, and we got to spend lots of quality time with each other. It was a great time to be away from work, and "the real world" and just enjoy the beauty of what the US has to offer. Hope you enjoyed the pictures and notations as much as I enjoyed the actual trip! :)

Till next time...

Another week...another month

As another week draws to a close, I am forced to think about how fast the first month of the year went by. SO quickly has January flown. This weekend, as every weekend for the past month, I will be dog sitting. And when I arrive back home...it will be February already! Have I stuck to a resolution? Well, seeing as I didn't ever make an official resolution there was nothing to stick to. I can say that I have gotten better at a few things...I have managed to start to keep my apartment more cleaned up. No, as all of my past roommates would ask...that does NOT mean my room. HA. While I might have been good in college (sometimes) my room since has never seemed to remain clothes free. However, come laundry day...my room looks spotless. :)

I have also begun to work out more. I have lost 4 lbs in the past 2 weeks....and for that I am VERY excited! Weight is something I have struggled with all my life, and I finally feel like I am taking control, instead of it controlling me! That is a GREAT feeling! Now I just pray that I stay dedicated.

I have been working on a lot of little things about myself recently...how to trust myself, how to truly trust others. How to stand my ground when I know I am right. How to accept that sometimes confrontation is just necessary. How to not give attitude, when that attitude is not deserved. How to handle my stress a little more maturely, instead of getting ulcers all the freakin time. These are things that I think will help me as a human being. Not only to grow in the work environment but in relationships and friendships as well.

I have had the opportunity also to have many conversations with my coworker about the Lord. I am so blessed that God still chooses to use me in ways I can not comprehend. We as humans are so falibible. That God would ever trust us to be His mouths is still overwhelming to me. Every conversation we have I feel like I might let God down, but he manages to put words into my mouth that I don't even know where they came from. He is so good!

Friendships are finally being formed here...and my life is slowly getting rooted. I am loving where I see my growth, and my life taking me right now. SO as this month ends, I look forward to February, and the challenges and delites that that new month will bring.

Life

Wow, there is lots going on right now. Because I am processing most of it, I will right about just one thing...My family.

I love my family, unconditionally, but its really hard when you are trying to be the rational, intellegent, and responsible person you know you should be, and those closest to you try to tell you you are nuts for doing so.

The example can basically be summed up in a short version...I know my limits. Financially speaking. And when it comes to most things, I will not strech beyound them. I have done this too much and am now working to get out of the whole that causes.

So, when I say I can't afford something, it means I can't afford it. If I say I can make a little bit more work, I mean I can only make that little bit more work.

I think ultimately, I am learning, that part of my drama filled life, and insecurity, and feeling like any decision I make could cause a fall out between me and the person's involved, stems from my family. Its not healthy, and I am tired of feeling that way. SO from now on, with support of friends, I have decided to always make what I feel is the best decision. No matter if the persons involved will get upset of not. Like in this situation...I know what I can do, and thats all I will do. No matter what.

Years

I was thinking a lot today...after reading through some different blogs, and just reflecting on life. I think it is crazy how one person can have the best year of their life, and in the same city, town, zipcode, a friend of theirs, or someone they don't even know...is having the worst year of their life. Just a crazy thing. That is all.

Just a few things about me.

General:

1. Real Name- Brittney Lynn Featherston

2. Nickname(s)- Britt-Britt, Britt

3. Status- At work, doing this survey...wishing I had waited till later in the day when I am REALLY bored.

4. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

5. Male or Female- Female

6. Elementary- Lipscomb/Scales

7. Middle School- Brentwood Middle School

8. High School- Brentwood High School

9. Hair Color- You want my natural hair color?!?!?!....I think its something like redish blonde...but who knows...its been a while sense I have had that. Right now its an auburnish brown.

10. Long or short- currently sholder length...so right in the middle.

11. Loud or Quiet- LOUD, if you didn't know that already, you don't know me.

12. Sweats or Jeans- Jeans..always

13. Phone or Camera- Camera...better quality than phone pictures

14. Health Freak- Not quite.

15. Drink or Smoke?- Not an a regular basis...

16. Do you have a crush on someone?- Yeppers. :)...His name is Matt...shhhh

17. Eat or Drink- I always do.

18. Piercing?- Ears, two holes. Thats it.

19. Tattoos?- Cross on my inner ankle



First:

20.First Piercing?- Ears when I was like 6 weeks old.

21. First best friend- Robin Venable...still BFFs today.

22. First Award- That I can remember, Citizen of the Week at Lipscomb elementary.

23. First Crush- David Rosenburg

24. First Pet- Probably a fish.

25. First big vacation- Well, we always went to FL, but the first really BIG vacation I remember is going to Spain with my grandparents.

26. First big birthday- I would say my first really big birthday would have been my 13th, rented a limo to pick me and my friends up from school...then we went around downtown Nashville, and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe.



Currently:

27. Eating?- Just ate some Vanilla Sugar Oatmeal.

28. Drinking?- Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee

29. I'm about to- Be bored out of my mind at work.

30. Listening to- The sound of the heating system at work.

31. Plans for today- Work, then to the gym, then home to cook dinner, put the clean clothes away, and go to bed to start all over tomorrow.

32. Waiting for- The weekend.



Your Future:

33. Want kids?- Yes please, 2 or 3 I think.

34. Want to get Married?- Absolutely

35. Careers in mind- Get back to me on this one....right now I lean toward wedding planning.



Which is better in a guy:

36. Lips or eyes- Eyes...I am a sucker for Blue eyes

37. Shorter or taller- Must be taller than me!

38. Romantic or spontaneous?- both, but spontaneous is more fun.

39. Nice Stomach or nice arms?- I don't really care either way...I don't like too much muscle

40. Sensitive or Loud?- I am loud enough for two people...so I guess I would say sensitive...but I like a little loudness too.

41. Hook-up or relationship?- Relationship, definitely

42. Trouble maker or hesitant?- Trouble maker...more fun. :)



Have You Ever:

43. Lost glasses/contacts?- Not that I remember, but probably.

44. Ran away from home?- Nope, never even tried.

45. Hold a gun/knife for self defense?- No

46. Killed somebody?- Umm, would I really admit this on a survey if I had...NO!!

47. Broken someone's heart?- Not that I know of...I usually end up the one with a broken heart.

48. Been arrested?- Nope

49. Cried when someone died?- Doesn't everyone?



Do you believe in:

50. Yourself?- Yes, most of the time.

51. Miracles?- Yep.

52. Love at first sight?- Hmmm, I think you can feel a connection, but I believe love is built.

53. Heaven?- absolutely

54. Santa Claus?- I believe he existed at one time, and I think he is fun to think about now.

55. Sex on the first date?- That would be a BIG NO!

56. Kiss on the first date?- If the moment feels right...

57. Chuck Norris?- HUH?!



Answer Truthfully

58. Is there one person you want to be with right now?- There isn't just one...there are a lot of people I would like to be with right now.

59. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life?- Yes, I am.

60. Do you believe in God?- Yes