Changes

As I lie here in bed, about to fall asleep, my mind begins to race...


How is it a person can feel so ready for a situation in life, and God can so obviously say "its not your time"? After spending hours of time on Facebook this evening, I have come to one conclusion...I so long for that profile picture with the two happy persons...in love. I am talking about the all to familiar couple's photo. It is easy to roll your eyes at the cliche of it all...and believe me I do. But deep down inside, when I am completely honest with myself, that picture and what it represents is what I long for. But alas, I find myself in a broken relationship, with a broken heart, and a longing for that picturesque relationship so beautifully displayed.


I have just experienced on of the happiest times of my life...my best friends wedding! To see the love that she and her newlywed husband share is heart melting. And while I long for what they have, and celebrate this new and exciting time for them...there is a part of me that morns what this means for my friendship. Naturally, as the new best friend (aka husband) moves in...it is time for me to move back and allow him to take his rightful place at her side. And while I understand this is the way it should be, I am sad for the change that this means to my relationship. How much can you expect from someone who has found their new "person"? If my words are not getting through the point at which I am trying to reach, allow me to use a TV reference. On Grey's Anatomy, Meredith and Christina have always been the other's "person" however, in the latest episode, when Christina was morning the loss of her father, the only one she wanted was Owen. He is her person now, its the way it goes, and the way it should be. But to be the one on the outside is sometimes harder to let go.


Please don't misunderstand, I am THRILLED for my friends! And I look forward to deepening my relationship with my bff's husband! Its an exciting time for all involved, but as I said good bye on the wedding day, I cried not only for the distance I knew would be between us when they returned and the time I knew would pass before I would see them again, but for the change in a relationship that had just managed to find its way back to what it should have always been.


The root of all these feelings and emotions, I am fully aware, is the insecurity I feel in life. I am also 100% aware of the fact that no human relationship is going to fill that void. I have spent the last few years running from who I really am. Feeling that if I lived up to my true Christian nature I would be shunned by my family, friends, and new relationships I was forming. How do I find my way back to that solid foundation I had for so many years. I am trying, but it consistently feels like an uphill battle. I feel like I have lost myself, and I am not quite sure how to find her again.


Along with all of this comes a wonderment...would I feel more me in Tennessee? In relation to this question and its answer I can only say this - The time I have felt the most at home in the past three years, was when I was spending the week in Brentwood preparing for my friend's wedding, spending face time with friends I rarely get to see, and most importantly, feeling cared about, loved, and understood for EVERYTHING I am. These people know the mistakes I have made in the past few years, and they still love me. They have put up with me trying to "find myself" only to realize, I had the real me, and was running away from her. They have done nothing but encourage me to find where the Lord is leading me.


On the other hand...leaving MA would mean leaving my family. I would not trade the relationships these past few years have grown with my sisters, my brother, and my parents here in RI for anything. But I am still not sure they have seen the real me. I feel like everyone in this world has ways they want you to be. Is it even possible to be who everyone else wants you to be? No. I really don't think it is. But with everyone constantly telling you who they think you are...how can you find the true you?


I am praying now that the Lord will lead me where he wants me. And that if that location is in TN he will make it obvious. Possibly through a job I just can't turn down, or writing in the skies...whatever it takes. I want to walk HIS path for me...not mine any longer. The trick is...figuring out how.